I am posting this after showing it to my brother. He advised me to put it out there as a tribute to my wonderful daughter.
I cannot believe that it’s been almost a year since I last posted on my wee cooking blog. This has been due to some unfortunate circumstances.
As previously mentioned, my son left home to go to university, and I went back to work as my daughter was deemed old enough to cope with her health problems on her own and didn’t require a carer.
How wrong can you get?
She ended up having numerous hospital admissions, more in the last year then in the entire previous 14 years since she was diagnosed as a Type 1 Diabetic. And, on the 24th of January 2018, she died. In her sleep.
I am lost. Bereft. I still cannot believe it. People tell me how strong I am, how marvellously I’m doing. What they don’t see is the tears that roll down my cheeks as I type this on what was her 18th birthday present. She only had this laptop for 3 weeks. They don’t hear the primal screams that rend from my body as I stuff a pillow into my mouth so that nobody knows the utter desolation I feel.
And I don’t even know why. Post Mortems should give you answers. Was it a Diabetic seizure? Some undiagnosed heart condition? An anurism?
‘Inconclusive’ is NOT what you want to hear. With so many medical breakthroughs, how can they not tell what killed my beautiful, bright, intelligent girl, who was on the cusp of life? I’m currently awaiting results of more tests that have had to be sent off. I hope something comes back. But Google, always the first resort of those with burning questions and no patience, informs me that 5% of all Sudden Adult Death (SAD) victims remain unexplained.
So, what was she like? Many of her friends contacted me to ask for permission to attend the funeral. And every single one mentioned how kind she was, what a good friend, how thoughtful and caring. She was geeky and nerdy. A gamer. Loved music. She was also wickedly funny.She made me laugh. She adored her brother, looked up to him, even when they were fighting. It reminded me of my relationship with my own brother. The same 2.5 year age gap. Fights, slammed doors etc. But if anyone tried to mess with their sibling………watch out.
And she had plans. Doing an NC in Social Sciences course at college, she’d applied to go on the HNC course. She’d volunteered to work with Riding for the Disabled. 2 days before she died, I’d been helping her write a job application for a Saturday job. It didn’t save properly, so we were going to do it again.
The house is now too big for me. I’ll probably have to move. But my memories are here, shouting upstairs ‘what do you want for dinner’ to hear her voice wafting back ‘something nice’. Clearing her room is taking too long as I pick items up and remember how excited she was when they were bought. Or finding things that I’d long forgotten. And just knowing that she’d be horrified that I was, finally, getting to clean her room.
I’ll probably never post this, just wanted to get it down while it was still raw, before time blunts the hurt. Because it will blunt it. Just never cure it.
Katherine Ruth Spencer, 19th Dec 1999 – 24th Jan 2018